Warning Joke Thread (no Nudity) By alleyoop (Read 5,523 times)

[alleyoop]

Roger, 85,married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himselfif they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and theexpected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opensand there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite asone.All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go tosleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, andit's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jennyconsents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is backagain, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only goodonce. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'



The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

P.S. Have I sent this to you already?

[JR]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

[JR]

The Test...

A Pennsylvania State Trooper pulled a car over on I-81 about 2 miles north
of the Pa/Md State line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was
speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and
he was on his way to Harrisburg to do a show that night at the Zembo Shrine
Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver
would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on
aheadand didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some
flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler stated that he could andasked the Trooper to light them.

The Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the
patrol car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went
over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed
him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked
the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's
no way in hell I can pass that test!

[JR]

Two Blondes and a Sod Truck...
Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1.
"Do what?" asked Blonde #2.
"Send my lawn out to be mowed."

[JR]

I failed the mandatory Health and Safety course at the Senior Center yesterday.

One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

"Damn' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

[alleyoop]

the store



There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down facing me."



Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.



When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.



I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.



They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

[alleyoop]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.



The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.



When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.



Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'



After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.



The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.



When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'



'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.



'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'



Moral of the story:



If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

[JR]

Some of us are old enough to relate to this story -
COMPUTERS...........

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers. I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned ... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little shit.

If you're not a Senior yet then send this to someone who is.

[alleyoop]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.



He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind,

that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times

[justbuggin2]

Alumni Newsletter


A guy who purchased his lovely wife a Pocket Taser Stun Gun for their
anniversary submitted this as a 'short' story for his alumni newsletter.

THE TASER GUN

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
looking
for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO
COOL!


Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home I loaded
two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button
AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.??


AWESOME!!!?


Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave!


Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!??


There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was
going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I

did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???


So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, and taser in another.


The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water.


Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.?


All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded
with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible

way!"??


What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best...


I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
one side as to say "don't do it dumbass," reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it I touched
the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and...


HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!


I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the sidedoor, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the

oddest position, and tingling in my legs!


The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again,
stupid, do it again!"


Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when
you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A
three-second burst would be considered conservative.


SON-OF-A-*%#... That hurt like **% !!!


A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing
at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh
and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot
up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs..


I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward
for their safe return!!


P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
found this on another site

If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid

Read more: scooterrebels.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&thread=3&page=4#ixzz1mKd1XMp8

[alleyoop]

MANAGEMENT COURSE:

A priest offered a Nun a lift..



She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.



The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'



The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'



The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'



Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.



On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.

It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'



Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

[scootaway]

Married couple dies in a car crash, they both end up in heaven together. The man sees all the lovely ladies and his wife said to him that it is so lovely been there together. He said to her when we got married the priest said "till death do us part" therefore I am single again.

[alleyoop]

Solve the mystery!
3 Ladies from
The Villages




A detective story

So Pay Close Attention!



Three ladies are Excited about seeing
Their First baseball game.



They Smuggle a bottle of

Jack Daniels Into The ball park.



The Game is very Exciting.




And They enjoy themselves Immensely.



Mixing Jack Daniel's with their soft Drinks.



Soon they
Realize that the bottle is almost empty and the
Game still has a lot of innings to go.



Based on the given
Information, what inning is it and how many
Players are on base?



Now Think!





Think Some more!





You're Gonna love this.




Answer:

It's
The bottom of the fifth, and the Bags
Are loaded!

[madcollie]

MURDER AT WALMART


Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

(You're going to hate me for this.....)












'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WALMART!'

Oh, quit groaning! I don't write all this stuff, I receive it from my warped friends........and then send it on to you.........



I'm soooooo sorry folks!

M/C

[madcollie]

RETIRED/BORED HUSBAND



After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to

Target.



Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get

in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves

to browse.



Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:



Dear Mrs. Harris,



Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in

our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both

of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are

listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:




1. June
15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other

people's carts when they weren't looking.



2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute

intervals.



3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the

women's restroom.



4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,

'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to

leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that

in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and

costing the company money.



5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on

layaway



6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR'
sign to a carpeted area.



7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children

shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from

the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.



8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and

screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.



9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a

mirror while he picked his nose.



10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked

the clerk where the antidepressants were.



11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming

the ' Mission Impossible' theme.



12. October 6:
In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by

using different sizes of funnels on his chest.



13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he

yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'



14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed

a

fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'



15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where the fitting

room was?



And last, but not least:



16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and

then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'



One of the clerks passed out.