Warning Joke Thread (no Nudity) By alleyoop (Read 5,691 times)

[JR]

If I'm nude, can I tell a joke???


Or is that a joke itself

[scooterran]

If I were you, I would get ahold of myself on this one J.R. !!!!!!!! ;D ;D ;D

[alleyoop]

[alleyoop]

THIS STUDENT IS DESTINED FOR POLITICS.


STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

I would have given him 100%

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle


Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page


Q3. River Rave flows in which state?
* liquid


Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage


Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams


Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner


Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half


Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet


Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.


Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..


Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four
apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands


Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it
take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.


Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking
it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

[JR]

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut. The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

You're going to love the Dad's reply:

. . . . .
'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

[JR]

This man really could tell a joke!

[justbuggin2]

as in the national lampoon movie van wilder you should not take life to serious you will never get out alive

[JR]

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar, and stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building who seemed to be preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I'd bet that he will jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge did a shocking swan dive
off the building, plunging to his death as onlookers
screamed.

The blonde was very upset, but she mustered the willingness to slide her $20 bill across the bar to Bob.
"Fair's fair," she said gamely . . . Here's your money."
Bob held the bill in his hand for a few moments... then set it back down on the counter. "You know..." he said somewhat sheepishly, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 O-clock news, so I knew he would jump."

The blonde put her hand on his arm, and -- looking quite
upset -- she said; "Well... I watched the 5 O-clock news too...but I just couldn't believe that he would do it again."

Bob took the money and left the bar.

[JR]

BEST BAR JOKE EVER

'Guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there's a robot bartender!

The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Whiskey."

The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says," 168."

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, . . . but he is curious . . . So he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Whiskey."

Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "100."

The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.

He goes back into the bar.

The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey.

The robot th en says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says, "SO, . . . you people . . . still happy . . . with Barrack Obama???"

[alleyoop]

Dating in 1957


You need to be able to remember the era to really enjoy this...

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1957 and Fred had a
date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
"Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink?
Lemonade? Iced tea?"

"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the
malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.

"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends,
that's all they do!"

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if
we let her!"

"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about
alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a
picture wearing a pink blouse and full circle skirt, and with her hair
tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the
house and slammed the front door behind her.

"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "The damned dance
is called the Twist!”

[alleyoop]

Here are six reasons why you should think
before you speak - the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that
you could immediately take the words back?
Here are the testimonials of a few people who did . . .





FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three
kids in tow and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by
one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
'I think I like playing with men's balls.'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind
the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied,
'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said
in a voice just as t hreatening,
'If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening
exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked
out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell
for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy,
with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny, so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty
in a while. I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said 'No.' I kept thinking
'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and
I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said,
'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident?'

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the
best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens
when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a
female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you
promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew
did too they were laughing so hard!

[justbuggin2]

while at the store waiting in line my daughter turns to me and ask me why i was looking at the girls butt in front of me . needless to say i was turn redder than a stop light

[JR]

Spelling lesson:
The last four letters in American; I can.

The last four letters in Republican; I can.

The last four letters in Democrats; rats.

End of lesson.

Test to follow in November, 2012.

Remember, November 2012 is to be set aside as rodent extermination month.

[JR]

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[alleyoop]

Whether you own a dog or not, you must appreciate the efforts of this owner to sell her dog. Look at the picture and then read the sales pitch below.



Dog For Sale . Free to good home. Excellent guard dog.
Owner cannot afford to feed Jethro anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat. Most of them knew Jethro only by his Chinese street name, Ho Lee Schitt.