Warning Joke Thread (no Nudity) By alleyoop (Read 5,689 times)

[JR]

[mcalli]

Just so everybody knows- I am not against anyone entering this country as long as they become US Citizens legally after they enter. Or they follow proper proceedures for entering.


Did not mean to turn this into a contraversial thread so I clarified my statement, because looking back on it, it could have been misunderstood.

Now lets get this back to a joke thread. Post please!!!!

[mcalli]

jr, that is hysterical. loved it!

[JR]

Mcalli No controversy and no misunderstanding and this thread is about jokes. It's a place to have a laugh and nothing else and you have not said anything out of line.

Yea I laughed my tail off, I'm always getting funny emails like that so it's easy to put them here.

JR

[JR]

;D

[alleyoop]

Good one JR,
Alleyoop
CLICK ON IT:

[JR]

I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday for a look at the new Silverado 1500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct...
The salesman (a man wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to
your butt in the summer heat.
Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck. Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck. I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.
I had to walk back to the dealership... Damn guy had no sense of humor.

[JR]

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.
So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.
This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.
He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three >> legs and comes down with four?"
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
You know you're going to send this one on.
Don't mess with seniors!

[smutty]

-----i met a guy yesterday----who addicted to brake fluid-----i was shocked----he told me not to worry-----he could stop-----------------------------anytime--he wanted

[JR]

Your Duck is Dead--

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

If you're smiling, you must pass it on, give someone else a smile too! ;D

[mcalli]

Lab report and cat scan. lol laughed my head off. This sounds like something that medicare would pay for. She should submit the bill to medicare.

[alleyoop]

www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=FrTbnczYAd4&feature=player_embedded

[JR]

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to
> describe her.
>
> He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're
>
> A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
>
> She asks ... "What does that mean?"
>
> He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy,
> Gorgeous, Hot.
>
> She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I,
> J, K?"
>
> He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
>
> The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly
> optimistic about saving his testicles.

[JR]

At a wine merchants, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director of the warehouse
wondered how to send him away.
They gave him a glass to drink.
He tried it and said, "It's a Muscat , three Years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers.
Low grade but acceptable."
"That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass.... "It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8
degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.."
"Correct."
A third glass...''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."

[Bong]

If I'm nude, can I tell a joke??? Or is that a joke itself??