|
|
Post by Bong on Feb 16, 2012 18:07:34 GMT -6
That was AWESOME Alley!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for the laugh.
|
|
|
|
Post by alleyoop on Feb 16, 2012 20:37:32 GMT -6
TURN UP THE VOLUME
THE WAL MART SONG
WAL-MARTIANS ARE HERE
|
|
|
|
Post by alleyoop on Feb 19, 2012 22:00:22 GMT -6
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS.. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; Metal, Wood, Stone, Anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.' The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth... THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE. The first brought a sword of the finest steel.  But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly ..  The second prince brought diamonds.  He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the princess, 'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.' The princess did as she was told, though she turned red .  She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after. Question: What was in the prince's pants?  M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were you thinking??  I STILL WORRY ABOUT YOU SOMETIMES!!!! |
|
|
|
Post by justbuggin2 on Feb 19, 2012 23:33:19 GMT -6
both of those are good if ever wonder if god has a sence of humor all that you have to do is go to wal-mart late at nite
|
|
|
|
Post by JR on Feb 21, 2012 7:32:42 GMT -6
FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN
> >
> > The day finally arrived.
> >
> > Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
> >
> > He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
> >
> > However, the gates are closed,
> >
> > and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
> >
> > St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.
> >
> > We have heard a lot about you.
> >
> > I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast,
> >
> > and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone.
> >
> > The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into
> Heaven.'
> >
> > Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir.
> >
> > But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam.
> >
> > I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.
> >
> > Life was a big enough test as it was.'
> >
> > St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest,
> >
> > but the test is only three questions.
> >
> >
> >
> > First:
> >
> > What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
> >
> >
> >
> > Second:
> >
> > How many seconds are there in a year?
> >
> >
> >
> > Third:
> >
> > What is God's first name?'
> >
> > Forrest leaves to think the questions over.
> >
> > He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and
> >
> > says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,
> >
> > tell me your answers.'
> >
> > Forrest replied, 'Well, the
> >
> > first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?
> >
> > Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow..'
> >
> > The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what
> I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I
> will give you credit for that answer.
> >
> > How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.
> >
> > 'How many seconds in a year?
> >
> > Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about
> >
> > that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'
> >
> > Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve?
> >
> > Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve
> seconds in a year?'
> >
> > Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's
> >
> > got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '
> >
> > 'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter.
> >
> > 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,
> >
> > though that was not quite what I had in mind....
> >
> > but I will have to give you credit for that one, too.
> >
> > Let us go on with the third and final question.
> >
> > Can you tell me God's first name'?
> >
> > 'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy..'
> >
> > 'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
> >
> > 'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two
> questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as
> the first name of God?'
> >
> > 'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied.
> >
> > 'I learnt it from the song,
> >
> > ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
> >
> > ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
> >
> > ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'
> >
> > St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'
|
|
|
|
Post by justbuggin2 on Feb 21, 2012 11:25:38 GMT -6
here is a short video abut the brains of men and women  |
|
|
|
Post by justbuggin2 on Feb 21, 2012 11:34:19 GMT -6
gremans are great engineers here is a pic of there new electirc car  |
|
|
|
Post by alleyoop on Feb 22, 2012 12:00:36 GMT -6
|
|
|
|
Post by damin69 on Feb 22, 2012 14:55:58 GMT -6
So the other Night my 12 year old is laying on couch farting up a storm. I say to him "Damn did you hear what that ASSHOLE said?"  He gives me this blank look  I said "Yeah he's Talking SHIT" My son lost it started laughing so hard he rolled off the couch.  ;D  |
|
|
|
Post by Bong on Feb 24, 2012 16:43:27 GMT -6
I still cry laughing at this viral video. Never gets old poor fella |
|
|
|
Post by JR on Feb 29, 2012 22:08:35 GMT -6
FARM KID in the Marines
(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT)
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.
Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noonwhen you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown.
They don't bother you none.
This next thing will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why.. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake ... I only beat him once.. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
|
|
|
|
Post by damin69 on Mar 6, 2012 12:34:28 GMT -6
How many NASCAR Drivers does it take to start a JET FUEL Fire? Answer: "Just .... Jaun"  ;D ;D |
|
|
|
Post by JR on Mar 7, 2012 18:02:21 GMT -6
President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang. "Hello, President Obama a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Archie, down here at Joe's Catfish Shack, in Little Rock, and I am callin' to tell yall that we are officially declaring war on y'all!"
"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!"
Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have to call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harrys farm tractor."
President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over sweet tea, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed that many prisoners."
SOUTHERN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN
If you are a REAL Southerner, you won't even need to be told to pass this on!
|
|
|
|
Post by alleyoop on Mar 9, 2012 12:49:26 GMT -6
fascinating puzzle! This is really clever; & a bit more challenging. As we older people get older still we all need to be concerned with Alzheimer's disease. This puzzle is easy to put together if you are not affected by Alzheimer's disease, but impossible to do for someone with the disease. Give it a try. If this puzzle is particularly difficult for you then your physician can offer you additional testing to check you for Alzheimer's. The sooner you deal with the disease the more years you will enjoy life. There have been some very remarkable new discoveries over the last year or two in the research to cure the disease. Nothing yet cures it but electrical stimulation of the brain seems the most promising along with other new drugs. If you can put this puzzle together. Say goodbye to Alzheimer's! A really neat puzzle. .brl.ntt.co.jp/people/hara/fly.swff" rel="nofollow" target="_blank"> .brl.ntt.co.jp/people/hara/fly.swff |
|
|
|
Post by JR on Mar 31, 2012 15:40:06 GMT -6
To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words, there is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, “Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say, “You're next, Chubby.”
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome …
PS: Both result in death.
|
|
..BAD TO THE BONE..
